There are many things I believe as a parent (and teacher, from my prior life, pre-kids) and I am going to spare you from reading about all of those, but two that really apply to tonight's lesson are that a child will take as many chances as you are willing to give them and you MUST follow through with what you say. Good and bad. Your kids need to know that what you say is truth. It starts young. It builds a foundation that I believe will carry them through life. They learn to depend on you or be let down by you. They learn to trust in what you say and in what you do. If you say you are going to do something and then you don't do it (either in discipline or in fun) they wonder if your word is good. I think that this leads to the teenage/young adult years as well. You set the foundation, and they learn to trust the things that you say. If they know they can count on you and trust what you have to say, they may put a bit more stock into what us crusty old adults have to say and a bit less into what their peers may say. Let's hope that works out for us. :)
Oftentimes, you hear parents ask, "Why do I have to tell you a thousand (insert appropriate number here) times to.......?" The answer is because you tell them a thousand times. If you tell them over and over again with no (or late) consequences, they learn they don't have to do what you say. Or at least right away. When you count to three you give them three chances to obey before you punish them. You usually have to punish them, so why waste your breath, time, and energy by giving them chance after chance? For the most part, we are pretty good about following through with what we say. Our kids know that we mean what we say, but every once in a while we slip up and forget to follow through on something that we threatened. We certainly aren't perfect, but we try very hard to follow through with what we say and are usually pretty good about it. One thing that we aren't so good about is saying things one time. In my teaching days I called it first time listening and carried that over to my parenting. Kaity gets it and many times she responds to those words, but there are some things I find myself saying over and over and over. Pick up your clothes, pick up your toys, pick up your shoes, clear your dishes, pick up your toys. Oh, did I already say that one? Really, child? This isn't new, we do it every day. Why do we have to keep telling you? Oh wait, I already addressed that...because we keep telling you. This leads me to my real story.
I started a new bible study this week and I think it is going to be a great study. Most of the stuff are things we are really good at doing and come naturally for me and have either come naturally for Bill or have been picked up easily by him. Showing affection to your spouse (and kids) and letting your kids see it , respecting your spouse and your children, creating a safe environment, encouraging each other and allowing a safe place for them to succeed and to fail. Giving them the opportunity to make their own choices and to learn from those experiences. You get the picture. Our pastor's wife and study leader challenged us to focus on one thing we needed to do this week and I chose to say it once. First time listening as I call it. I was challenged to say it once and walk away. Man is that a hard one. Especially for me. Letting go and letting stuff lay around the house until I could use it as a teaching moment. Last night it was really effective with Kaitlyn. Here's how it went down.
Mommy: Kaitlyn, please pick up your room. Put your books, toys, and clothes away.
Kaitlyn: It's too hard! (continues to play with her brother and not pick up)
About 30 minutes later, after letting our baby house guest play with our beach toys in the bathtub.
Kaitlyn: Mommy, can Ryan and I play with the beach toys in the bath?
Mommy: Oh, honey, I'm sorry. That would be great, but you didn't pick up your room as I asked you to do.
Kaitlyn: Okay Mommy, I'll pick it all up and then can I play with it in the bath? (No whining at all and just ran in to do it).
Mommy: Sure if you do it correctly (not shoving it) and there is enough time.
Sure enough, the job got done and I didn't have to ask more than once. Score one for Mommy! Unfortunately, this didn't work so well for Ryan and he had to take a boring shower with no toys. There were tears, but he got over it and I was hoping he learned. I think it is a combination of the differences in both their ages and their personalities.
Today was a different story. I asked them to pick up their toys before we left the house this morning and no one picked up their toys. We didn't get to go to the park this morning and they didn't have a friend over this afternoon (plans fell through, but I used it to make a point), and they didn't get to go to the park this afternoon either. They didn't do it for the bath with the beach toys. Nothing. Ugh. What's a mom to do? I was tired of looking at toys all over the floor and with out of town guests coming for dinner tomorrow I couldn't let it stay out in the living room all weekend and into the next week until they finally got the picture that we weren't doing anything for them until they did as they were asked. The first time with no nagging and no threatening. I finally lost my patience and got out the timer and the trash bag. Taking toys away and putting them up in our closet hasn't made a difference. I set the timer for 45 minutes and told them that whatever wasn't picked up was going in the trash bag. Kaity worked pretty hard and even encouraged her brother to pick up, but at the end of the 45 minutes the place didn't look much better. And is wasn't THAT bad to start with. 45 minutes was enough time to get it done and I really thought it would get done, but it wasn't done. When the timer went off I prayed for the strength to follow through because I knew it would be hard. True to my word I started filling the bag while listening to the sounds of a crying and pleading little girl and her brother. Many of their favorite toys ended up in that bag. Favorite baby dolls, stuffed animals, pony and pet shop accessories, socks, a swim suit, McQueen cars, trucks, train tracks and trains. When I finished I had two and a half of those big clear recycling bags. I think it made it worse that they could see what was in there. I had tears in my eyes and was trying to speak in a calm voice, holding out my hand and asking for the things they tried to "save" from the trash. Kaity kept saying that maybe the trash guys would see it and know it wasn't trash and bring it back to her. Nevermind that we live in an apartment complex with at least 14 buildings, with 18-24 floors per building, and 4 apartments to each of those floors. It broke my heart to see her in so much pain, grasping for every last straw she could think of. The one sweet thing that came of it is that in the midst of all of her sadness, Kaity went over to her sobbing brother, wrapped her arms around him, and tried to comfort him. I left the kids in the apartment and loaded up the trash bags in the trunk of the car. I will give them their toys back, but only after I am sure they have learned from this and are following the 1st time listening rule, but I didn't tell them that. I let them think their toys are gone and I feel terrible. I choked back tears in the crowded elevator wishing I could explain to all the Koreans why I had 3 bags of perfectly good toys in trash bags and cried on the way back up. Tears streamed down my face while I explained to Kaitlyn why I had to take her toys away. Why it was my job to teach her and how it made me sad to see her so sad. It was so hard to follow through and took every bit of strength God gave me to do it, but it is done and I pray that it makes a difference tomorrow (and 10 years from now).
A brief side note...I love my husband! As I was writing the last sentence, he came home after a brief stop at the O'Club to celebrate the end of an exercise week with the guys. He walks into our bedroom where I am in bed blogging, apologizes for being late, and asks me how my day was. I start tearing up and tell him that I had a rough night and filled three trash bags with toys. His response..."Did you throw them in the canal?" I couldn't help but laugh and the tears were gone as I remember the threat I so often heard my dad say. Love you Dad, and I almost believe that it hurt you as much as it hurt me. ;-)
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