holding hands on the way to drop Bill off
I was an off and on wreck all day yesterday and felt like my heart was breaking. I am used to Bill being gone a lot and we get along here just fine when he is gone and there usually aren't many tears, but this is different. I just sent my husband off to war. I can't even begin to tell you all of the emotions I am feeling right now as I type this. My heart is filled with pride for this wonderful man, who selflessly serves his country and protects the freedoms we get to enjoy each day, usually taking them for granted. I am scared for him and for our family. I know, I know...he is safer over there in the air than he is here just driving to work. But again, he is going to a war zone and that scares me. I have so much respect and admiration for his desire to protect our troops who are fighting on the ground. It is his job to protect the people who are fighting to make the lives of other people better and he wants to do it. In fact, he has been waiting 8 years to do it. Me, no thanks. I don't think that I would risk my life for complete strangers and I am a pretty giving and selfless person. I wouldn't have asked to go and I would have tried to weasel out of it. Not him though, he saw it as an opportunity he didn't want to miss. And to top that off, I have been thanking God that he hasn't used my husband for this mission in his 8 years in the Air Force. I think the boy has me beat in selfless acts.
My heart is aching from the love that fills it. It is aching from the memory of seeing my baby girl so sad and calling for her daddy as we drive away. I hurt with how much I miss him already. After he walked through the doors I wanted to chase after him and pull him back to be with us. To say I didn't want him to leave us is an understatement. Then I have to pretend that I am not crying as I listen to Kaity call for him all the way home. This is by far the hardest thing I have had to do as a wife and a mother. Although, as much sorrow as I feel, my heart is filled with so much joy. We have so many awesome memories that we have created and we look forward to sharing so many more. I am blessed and proud to be his wife and the mother of his children, and I know I don't tell him that enough.
Last night I had the rest of the ADVON (people who leave a little early and get set up) girls over for fondue and whine. It was a great distraction for a few hours, but reality hit again when everyone went home. Fortunately, Bill IM'd me from the airport as i was checking my e-mail and we chatted for a bit and then he called to talk a little bit later. It made my night to hear his voice again and after a hot bath and a little reading, I had a good night's sleep. I woke up to his call this morning and started my day. After getting dressed, doing my hair and makeup, and doing a little cleaning I thought the worst was over and I was doing better, but around 8 the sorrow hit again. And again at school when I saw some great friends of ours dropping their daughter off. I totally did the ugly cry thing when Erika hugged me. And again when the man on the other end of the phone at USAA thanked me for my sacrifice. I don't usually think of it in those terms, but he's right, and I could hardly say, "you're welcome," and hang up the phone before the ugly cry started again. Maybe I should invest in some waterproof mascara for the next couple of weeks. My friends who have been through this before says it takes about 2-3 weeks before you begin to feel normal again and don't fear breaking down in public. We'll see. For now I can only listen to the Backyardigans and Laurie Berkner or the radio will make me cry. It is funny how music can move you that way.
The kids seem to be doing okay today and Kaity and Ryan and I had fun doing some fun stuff for daddy. We are keeping busy, because it is easier that way. At least for the first week. :)
I'll be in touch and keep you posted. Please pray for Bill's safe return and a successful mission.
Long post, please click on the story link on the right for all the pics.
saying good-bye at the DPC
1 comment:
Kim, I just want to give you a hug. I know all the feelings you are feeling. The worst is seeing your kids hurt. My kids took Erick leaving very hard, and cried out for him in their beds at night--talk about hard. All three of us did the ugly cry and held each other after Erick left. I just want to encourage you though that in time it will get better. You'll still miss him, but you'll get used to it, for lack of a better term. Which is kind of sad, cause it shouldn't be something you have to get used to. Go ahead and cry, it is tough. Remember YOU are a hero too!
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